Blinds You From the Truth.
I Should Know.
I was eight years old the day my daddy disappeared. No one said a word about it. Silence. I was numb and confused. My mom eventually remarried, and I’d tell friends, “I got a bonus dad!” That didn’t last. By the time I was 12, he vanished as well. Two marriages, two divorces, two daddies. Gone.
Lots of kids grow up without a father. I’m not special, I needed to man up and move on. Except I didn’t know how. I was stuck on the unfairness of it. I’d scan the parking lot after football games. All my other teammates were with their dads and families. It would rip my heart to shreds ... What did I do to deserve no father? That focused energy turned into destructive energy.
By the time I was a teenager, I was cocked and loaded, and I began to unleash the resentment that was boiling over. No one told me my biological father had been incarcerated on a life sentence, and I was never given a reason why my “bonus dad” left, so I blamed my mom. She must be the reason I didn’t have a dad around. She was the first one I took aim at, nose-to-nose, lashing out with my mouth in vulgar disrespect.
This pain I felt needed a fix. Seething in anger 24/7 is unsustainable, so I sought every kind of pleasure I could find: drugs, pornography, and illicit sex. I figured the more women I had, the better off I would be. So I worked overtime at filling those empty holes inside me. More was never enough.
It was the ’90s, and Ft. Worth, Texas, was known as “Murder Worth” due to the never-ending violence between street gangs. But for a young man like me, a gang was the perfect place to find approval and belonging. I affiliated myself with the Crips and dove deep into the lifestyle.
A newfound sense of invincibility mixed with my victimhood mentality like a chemical reaction, and my anger exploded. I went from screaming fits of rage with my mother, to channeling my anger with my fists. Street fights, criminal activity, and destruction of property, even a throw down with a police officer was cathartic and justified. I was looking for a punching bag, anyone or anything to inflict the pain I felt stuck with.